so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
