I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
