i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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