Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
