I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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