a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
