sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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