his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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