My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
