worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
