Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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