I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
