1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He shit in the fireplace
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
