Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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