I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
