Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
