Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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