First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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