I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
