im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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