corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
