Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
