I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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