she woke up with a sticky ear
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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