just tell him i said nine months
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
