allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
