did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
