Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
