I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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