Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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