Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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