Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
