wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
