it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
