I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
