I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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