Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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