My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
