not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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