Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
