I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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