this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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