apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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