I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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