I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I forget how to act sober
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
