im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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