i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
