I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
