I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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