Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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