def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
