I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
