i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She bit a glass in half.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
