So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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